So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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