When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
