We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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