pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
