i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
