My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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