in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
