Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
