I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize