I accidentally had phone sex last night
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
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