So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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