I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
