Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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