I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
