No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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