So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
