I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
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