hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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