im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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