So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
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