i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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