he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
