really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
