On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
