im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize