I think I won the penis lottery.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
