You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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