My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
