You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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