At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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