why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
That's how pantless uber rides happen
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
