I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize