Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize