Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
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