not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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