I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
