Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
