What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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