I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
