I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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