She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
