The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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