Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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