I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize