P.S. I can't hear my feet
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
