Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
