ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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