I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
