Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
