And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
