ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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