Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
