I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
