Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
