Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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