Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
