I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize